Say no more

How do you avoid unwanted compliments? It's difficult to find a solution that doesn't warrant an r/AITA post. A compliment, after all, is an invitation to reaffirm friendly relations between themself and the one who extended it; therefore, subverting it reads as a rejection of those relations in some way, as indeed is often the intention. So, in the act of denying or avoiding the compliment, there must also be an supplementary affirmation of friendly relations.

But why would you want to avoid them in the first place? Perhaps you feel you haven't earned the praise. Perhaps you were rather looking for a more nuanced judgement. Perhaps the compliment seems more for the sake of the offerer than the recipient; certainly there's an exchange (as demonstrated above) inherent to any compliment (here I would likely benefit from having read Sartre on the act of gift-giving), but it seems in some cases that the compliment is a vehicle for a kind of selfish social exploitation, extended primarily with the expectation that the recipient will respond in kind or otherwise ingratiate the one who offered it. (Of course, there are also those who act out a similar dynamic by fishing for compliments with self-deprecation.) But let's assume that the compliment was offered in good faith. If this is so, surely the person who was primed to provide it would not wish to do so knowing that it would not be appreciated for one reason or another—this transforms it into faux pas, and more importantly has the opposite of the intended effect.

So, how can it be signalled that a particular compliment is unwanted? The broadest (and easiest?) way would be to issue some kind of declaration that a category of compliments (such as on one's new haircut, or on the quality of a performance) should be avoided prior to any person's attempt to provide such, but this also signals that one presumed they would be receiving such compliments, which reeks of arrogance regardless of whether it's true or not. This is a fatal flaw in this method.

Waiting until after the fact, too, I think is crossing the line from reasonable to selfish (as this would be a negation of an existing and not potential affirmation of friendly relations) and would do little to curb one's frustration in any case. If this point has been reached, you've fucked it up. Then the window of opportunity is likely somewhere in between the other person observing that which they would compliment and the remark itself. The method should also avoid the implicit assumption of any intention to compliment.

What about signalling one's own distaste for the object of the potential compliments? Perhaps wearing a sour face and vocally complaining upon entering a social interaction with a person who hasn't been alerted to the issue yet. Unfortunately, this would likely make one unpleasant to be around and result in worse social collateral than responding negatively to a compliment in the first place.

Well, who says the situation can't be avoided entirely by obfuscation? Similarly to the previous method, this could introduce additional barriers to maintaining social connections which may outweigh the benefits of avoiding more direct methods. Furthermore, it's untenable for many things that may generate compliments.

Then, what, are you just supposed to sack up and deal with it? That hardly seems fair. Of course there are no easy solutions to problems like this, but can it be true that there are no difficult ones either? I shouldn't think so, but I'm struggling to come up with one myself. If any of you have suggestions, feel free to send in comments.

This is a somewhat time-sensitive request, by the way. ~∓~

Now reading: Ryukishi07 - "Tatarigoroshi-hen" 28 march 2022 @ 21:53 local | time elapsed: 78 minutes